Over the next couple weeks, I am going to post stories from mamas who have had rainbow babies. I hope these stories encourage you to continue to trust the Lord for the plan He has for you!
The first story is from my friend Rebekah. She is a mom to three beautiful children and she shares the story of her rainbow baby, Natalie.
"The stories of Casey and Riley
The line was faint, but it was there. We hadn’t been trying for a second baby, but when I began to suspect that I was pregnant, I was excited! I started to imagine a life with two children before I even took the test! But when I saw the faintly positive test, I didn’t feel joy. I felt a strange sort of sadness and general uneasiness. I felt deep down that I was not going to be having my second baby.
Despite this uncomfortable feeling, I called my doctor and scheduled a confirmation appointment. The receptionist sounded so happy, saying “Oh my, congratulations! What an exciting day for you!” Though I said yes, my stomach fell into a deeper pit. I knew this was not right.
Shortly after the call with my doctor, I did everything I could to shake the bad feelings and get excited about my new baby! I kept telling myself that I was just nervous about being pregnant again and my hormones were starting to kick in. I thought that coming up with a fun way to tell Isaac would help it to feel more real and exciting!
I decided to print a picture of Elijah and a picture of me saying “baby number 2”. So, I went to Target to print the two pictures and buy a frame. The man who gave me my pictures was very kind, and congratulated me. He said that this was such a cute way to tell Isaac. But all I could think about was how I was about to tell my husband about our baby that we weren’t going to have.
I got home, put the pictures in the frame, and waited for Isaac to get home. When he saw the frame, he was so excited! I loved to see him so happy. I tried to remind myself that it was just hormonal, and everything was fine.
Some time passed and every day I woke up with that same terrible feeling, only it got more intense every day. Then one day the cramps came. And a few hours later, the bleeding started. I called the doctor and made an appointment for the next day.
Throughout the rest of that day, the pain got worse and worse until all I could do was lay in bed. Isaac came home from work and tried to reassure me that everything was ok. Some bleeding and cramping can be normal in early pregnancy.
Then it happened…I knew that my baby was gone.
We went to the appointment the next day and an ultrasound confirmed that our sweet baby Casey was no longer there. After a few weeks of processing, being sad and praying, we decided that maybe we were ready to intentionally try for another baby.
After a short time, I started to feel, once again, like I was pregnant! But, I also had a slight feeling of “maybe I’m making it up because I want it to happen”. So, I took a test. It was negative. This didn’t seem right to me. I knew I was pregnant! So a few days later I took a second test. This time it was positive!
I would have been so happy, except that terrible feeling that it wasn’t going to last came back. So instead of being happy, I began to prepare myself for the loss.
I made the appointment with the doctor, and told Isaac that I was pregnant again! This time, he cried when I told him. He was so so happy that we were back on track to have a second baby. I cried with him because I knew that we weren’t.
Again, the cramps came and then the bleeding. That evening, I felt my baby leave me once again. Riley was gone.
I saw a different doctor this time, and she was incredibly heartless. She told me that I had never been pregnant and that I lied about losing the baby. She refused to show any sort of sadness or offer comfort. She just gave me my Rhogam shot “just in case it was real” and left. That was terrible day.
We decided to wait for a second baby for a while after that. We thought that maybe this was God’s way of saying it wasn’t time.
The very next month, despite much care, Natalie was conceived…
I was so upset! Yes, I wanted another baby, but I was so sad from losing my two babies, and I didn’t feel ready to go through it again. My body was tired, my mind was tired, and my heart was tired. I didn’t have the sinking feeling of loss this time, but I still refused to believe that this baby would live. I wanted to be prepared, just in case.
But God… God is so good. I had been pushing Him away, refusing to believe in His plans and His goodness. But He kept proving Himself. He allowed me to wake up every day with the knowledge that my baby was still alive. He allowed my baby to grow. He allowed me to hear her heartbeat and see her little body moving around on the ultrasound. He gave me peace.
God makes no mistakes. Even the most painful loss is a part of His perfect plan. I know that I will see my little Casey and Riley again one day, because even though they are not with me, they are with the One who loves them even more than I ever could. And while I wait for the day when I can see them, I get to enjoy my precious babies who are here in earth.
What a good God we serve."